9 WEEKS.

My baby is piling the weight and happiness on now guys! We have been (sadly) discharged from the midwife now, and will hear from plunket over the next few days/weeks I’m sure. She turned 2 months old on the 19th. Making for one sad mumma. Time is going so fast. I feel like I’ve just blinked and she’s changed.  Emelia-Michelle, as much as I willed you to grow; please stay my baby forever. I can’t deal with this happening so fast. I even started to put some clothes in a “too small” box. My heart hurt doing that, every outfit has so many memories attached to it.

“The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives. The harder you have to fight for something, the more priceless it will become once you achieve it. And the more pain you have to endure on your journey, the sweeter the arrival at your destination. All good things are worth waiting for and worth fighting for.” – Susan Gale

Factor V Leiden.

Factor V Leiden, “An inherited blood-clotting disorder due to a mutation of the blood’s factor V protein.” 

It never ends does it?? Grrr. Today I received a letter from my fertility clinic regarding the blood tests posted about “here” that I had done over a year ago now! – Not that it feels like that long, but it is. Now I don’t think I ever posted about those blood results, but I was told over the phone that they all came back clear. A clear hysteroscopy, a clear lot of blood results, a uterine scratch done, ready for another perfect transfer in April 2017. So you can imagine my shock when I received a letter from my doctor about these particular blood tests….. Let alone the fact that I realise they aren’t actually fine AT ALL.

“You are heterozygous for Factor V Leiden which gives you an increased risk of thrombosis, particularly in relation to oral contraceptives and pregnancy. You should be aware of this and consider prophylactic measures for venous thromboembolism in the postpartum period or if undergoing surgery. If you have further questions I suggest that you discuss this with your GP.” 

So after a day of googling, and a day of talking with some of the mums in my Waikato NZ infertility page I quickly realise this is not a good, nor a normal thing. While reasonably common; it can lead to serious complications… Complications such as miscarriage, stillbirth, placental abruption, blood clots, high blood pressure, slowed foetal growth.

Now… I WAS on blood thinners as part of my colorodo protocol for this cycle. But I was told my results came back fine; that they were a precaution and that I could stop taking them. As well as being told I could stop taking the progesterone pessaries and progynova tablets earlier than what I was meant too as well. Never mind my history of miscarriage and failed implantation, my absence of bleeding, my length of infertility and so forth… Given that I had an early pregnancy bleed at 6 weeks – I opted to keep taking them; and ended up basically stopping all drugs between 12-15 weeks off memory. There was a big muck up, I was meant to stop taking the drugs at 9/10 weeks; then they upped the time to 14 weeks. Then they dropped it back down. It was all a confusing mess, and I suspect due to lack of communication and investigation into my situation. So basically, I came off all drugs no later than 15 weeks – aspirin included….

Now we’re got a bleed in the mix already, so lets fast forward to my various appointments. At 14 Weeks I ended up in the midwives clinic for an extra appointment due to high blood pressure; I blogged about that “here“. I was having dizzy spells consistently, and feeling faint often. Baby had always been measuring slightly ahead, fairly consistently from day 1 also. Then when the day came that she was induced, If you read my birth story “here” – you would have read about the pains in the same location as my placental attachment, as well as the fact that I had started bleeding , her heart rate started decelerating and doing slightly not normal things – and my own blood pressure had risen again. There was a chance of placental abruption. She was expected to be born at 9lb+, I was expecting a big baby – not a little 7lb baby. My placenta was delivered all gritty and gross, there was not much life left in it. Fast forward again, to post partum stage. I ended up in hospital with high blood pressure and dizzy spells again, I only bled for 2-3 days after giving birth; I barely soaked a pad. All alarm bells for something to some degree, but nothing really showed up as a cause – I become just the one with all the random things.

But today, receiving a letter saying I have this blood condition; and that everything I have experienced can be a side effect from it – safe to say I was pissed. So of course I got googling; and researching. Babies have died from this. Mothers have gone into labour the same way I did; and not delivered in time. Their babies have been oxygen deprived in utero and not born living. The risk of blood clots post partum is a lot higher. Blood clots that become deep vein thrombosis. That can cause death and serious illness. I specifically requested these tests be done in the cycle BEFORE I transferred Emelia as an embryo. I wanted to make sure I was doing the very best to give this cycle a chance. I suspected there was something wrong other than just PCOS,, I KNEW I wasn’t bleeding properly following miscarriages and the start of cycles. Just yesterday I was telling my midwife about my crazy bleeding – or lack of…. I had SO many side effects of this blood condition, yet nothing was ever done about them – because we did not know. Neither me or my midwife had any idea. We just assumed my body was doing crazy things and throwing curveballs at me. We never thought for a second that in my veins, travelling to the placenta could be a blood clotting condition… Was this the cause of all my issues? Highly bloody likely……

And to finish with, “I suggest you discuss this with your GP.” – well that was just the icing on the cake. My pregnancy is over, my post partum stage is over. It’s a bit bloody late to be suggesting I speak to my GP. It would have been nice to know 12 months ago, when I first had the tests done. It would have been nice to let my midwife know, so we could TREAT all these crazy curve-balls…. I am feeling very disappointed, angry, and frustrated. Emelia is fine, she is healthy – she is here; she is alive. But by the sounds of it; she very easily could have not been. Again; kudos to my midwife for her monitoring and double checking; and not hating on my anxiety.. And kudos to her for our quick delivery and induction.

I am going to be snuggling Emelia-Michelle extra tight tonight. Just another several reasons why she is my tiny little miracle. She continues to prove she defied many odds thrown in her path. She is one strong little lady. I want to give my midwife the biggest hug ever; and thank her for protecting my baby. For keeping her alive. For listening to my concerns. Every single time.

8 WEEKS.

So my little string bean was 8 weeks old yesterday! We’ve had a mix of weight gains and losses since I last updated so everything is still all up in the air with how she’s going! The new formula has definitely made her the happiest she’s been – and consistently too. Last time I updated she was barely drinking it, she’s now fine with it! Doesn’t “love” it and takes awhile to drink it – but does eventually drink a full bottle. Although last night was bad, and so was the night before – her general “day” the past couple of days has been much better! I feel like I can begin to enjoy my little girl, instead of constantly trying to get her to sleep just to make her happy/content. I think we just need to figure out where her routine is all at; and what medications or natural remedies do or don’t work. At the moment we’re between gaviscon and ranitidine for reflux, probiotics for general health, coloxyl for constipation caused by gaviscon, rhuger or weleda colic powder for wind problems and pamol for those random screamy upset baby nights. As well as her going to the chiropractor weekly also.

We gave me a “no breastfeeding” whirl; to see if that eliminated her weight issues and spews – just having her on the formula. But that gave us a loss, so my midwife said to continue breast feeding if I want – or else keep bottle feeding. Either option seems to give the same result! Trouble is, with 3 days and 2 nights of not breastfeeding my milk took a plummet! So I’m now taking domperidone and pumping intensely to try sort my head out and decide what I want to do.

 

Choosing to breastfeed or not breastfeed is a hard hard decision. With an allergy and reflux baby; it just seems so hard. But also so much easier. I don’t want to be defeated; I want to persevere! But life is throwing every curve ball at us in terms of getting this baby to grow consistently – and that takes priority. We will see. My brain is mush.

In terms of actually how Emelia is doing other than with feeding/spewing/not growing;

She’s smiling a lot more now, and it’s definitely a social smile! She LOVES people and loves being held and talked too. Not so keen on the floor time, because she’s spent the past 7 weeks in my arms getting rocked or in bed. So we will work on that. She does tend to get at least one mat play time in though a day. When she accepts that she’s down, she’s fine – it’s just getting her down. She still is obsessed with her cuddly and dummy, she definitely is turning into a clingy love mum baby. Although she is great at bed time 90% of the time somehow. She self settles herself to sleep most of the time – and the other time she just wants cuddles to sleep, but will transfer to her own bed pretty good. Others try hold her, and she’s all eyes on me and if she’s slightly unhappy she’ll just grizzle till she’s back in my arms. She loves being walked around in the front packs (although hates it at home), and we’ve swapped the carry cot out on her pram for the actual seat in recline mode. Miss Nosy likes to be upright and looking at things! We don’t do tummy time and we won’t; but the odd time she’s been put on her tummy to help with wind or at the doctors office etc she has rolled straight onto her back anyway. She just pushes her arms up and tips right over. She tries to roll from back to tummy; but to be honest I think it’s more her head just tryna twist around to see things – somehow this little baby moves so much! I can put her on her mat; and just with wriggling around she ends up WAY at the other end. This morning she was on her back on my bed and she all but rolled onto her tummy, it was just her arm stopping her.

 

We had a playdate yesterday with one of the girls in my IVF due in Jan page; her wee girl is 2 weeks younger than Emelia and it was so cute seeing them kick around on the floor together! We also met some of the Waikato/Auckland mums from the page – so good! You really don’t realise how important these little connections are with others who’ve had similar backgrounds and stories to tell.

Anyway; I think that’s pretty much Emelia’s eighth week in a summary!

 

7 WEEKS.

I think this is more of an emotional rant blurt post rather than a “this is what my baby has learnt this week post” but all I have to say this week; is parenting is bloody hard… There have been lots of tears, from both of us. We’re both tired, exhausted, upset and over everything. I feel so bad that she is going through all this and that in her short 7 weeks of life – she’s already had to experience such pain and upset. I never wanted any of this for her. I want her happy, healthy and thriving. Not upset, sore, and sick. I never thought parenting would go like this. I didn’t expect it to be picture perfect, not in the slightest! But I didn’t expect it to go like this either.

This week has been hard. Today and yesterday especially. I had a bit of a breakdown to my best friend tonight. She lives 7 hours away, and I miss her so much. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t know how much baby girl can take. We’re both broken and bloody tired right now. I want to snuggle her, and promise her things will be ok. But I just don’t have the energy for fake promises right now. Things will get better, I know they will. But everytime I tell myself that – something else comes up. Being brave in front of everyone is hard. Everyone keeps telling me how together I am, and how amazing I’m doing. But on the inside. I’m crumbling. Being brave is hard. But being emotional is hard too.

Emelia is now on an amino acid based formula called Elecare. But she hates the taste of it, so it’s a struggle to get it into her. Luckily I can still breastfeed in between and so she isn’t dehydrating. But she isn’t exactly doing fantastic either. We tried Aptimal Pepti Jr, that was a no go. She lost more weight on that, even more than her just spewing the goats milk and my own milk. So the Elecare is the last shot. I tried it with vanilla essence, and she drank 30ml. So I ended up just making the goats milk up for her bedtime bottle. I’d rather deal with her spew then her starving. I’ll try again tomorrow.

My midwife said that if she doesn’t grow, we may very well end up in the hospital with a feeding tube. I don’t know what to make of it all. I told her I will put rocks up her bum and then she will be heavy. I had to make a joke, otherwise I think I woulda cried my eyes out. She is meant to have discharged is into Plunkets care by now. But she hasn’t; I’m so grateful that she hasn’t. But I know it’s a strain on her, and I feel so guilty to do that to her. But the last 7 weeks; she has been the only one on my team – that I don’t feel ready to loose my teammate. Without her, God knows where we’d be. She’s the only one who’s stuck behind Emelia and I through all our medical dramas.

Every week I say it I know… But I hope next week will be better. One of these weeks it just has too. Luckily her smiles make up for it. I am so so so glad she doesn’t remember this stage of life…

Prayers for my little girl.

“Jump in puddles, wish on dandelions, lie in the grass. Play dress ups, fall in love, run barefoot. Dance in the rain, reach for the stars. Imagine. Laugh with your whole heart, remember where you came from. Be Brave. Forgive everyone. Sleep soundly.”

 

5 WEEKS.

Just a little dump of my wee girls fifth week! I’ll do a proper catch up on how everything’s going in my next post!

Within that 5th week, she celebrated her first month of life! Her weight was 4.06kg and her length was 55.3cm. So a total growth of 4cm and 730grams. Baby girl, time is flying!

Raising Baby: Breastfeeding

Let’s talk breastfeeding for a minute. And not the glorious, picture perfect, amazing bonding, it just comes naturally kind of way. In the real way. In hindsight, the idea that our bodies create this nourishment to provide our little ones with the nutrients needed to grow and thrive – is amazing. Its everything every good mother would want for her baby – and more. It encourages bonding between mother and baby, it feeds baby, it’s natural, it caters to babies needs and demands. It’s free even! But really, it’s also bloody hard…

3 WEEKS.

   

Three Weeks! I don’t understand how the last 3 weeks of pregnancy took forever to pass, yet these last three weeks have flown by. It’s crazy.

She’s learning how to smile, she’s definitely a mamas girl, she’s attached herself to her little goose swaddle, and she loves her dummy now. She has started trying to smile and is definitely filled with chats. She loooooves the bath, and loves being naked and kicking around with no pants on. Sometimes she feeds really well, and other times it’s hell. I don’t think I love breastfeeding. Her sleeps during the night have been pretty amazing still, but her day sleeps have sort of gone awoll – due to the week we’ve had though I think…

Speaking of the week; it started with my little bunny being admitted to hospital for some random bowel/digestive issues. Last Thursday/Friday she was really unsettled and upset. Wouldn’t feed, or cuddle, or poo, just was really sad. But then Friday night I noticed her start vomitting yellow bile – so on Saturday morning I took her to A&E – and with a high heartrate they sent us Waikato hospital. So off we went, luckily as A) she’s under 6 weeks and B) we had a referral from A&E, we didn’t actually have to wait. We just had to check in and then get taken through to the children’s emergency room. While we were checking in, an ambo worker comes over and compliments how cute Emelia is. Followed by; oh is Mummy being paranoid – lets hope you don’t get any bugs here. Grrrr, made me so mad. Lady – if I wasn’t concerned I wouldn’t bring my 2 week old to a germ filled building!! I don’t particularly want to be here either! Anyway, through to the emergency room we go, and a nurse comes over to have a chat about what’s going on. Anyway – by now we’ve noticed her stomach is also massive. So the nurse gets some more nurses, and then a doctor, and then another doctor. And then those doctors say they’re going to get a surgeon…… Um, WHAT??? A surgeon?? – But apparently this particular surgeon is a specialist in that sort of thing – so she’s just coming down for a consult to see what’s going on. So they put an IV line in her, then book her for urgent chest x-rays, drain her stomach and then make her nil by mouth for the next 6 hours. Woah, shit gets intense real quick. In the meantime, I’m breastfeeding so my poor boobs get massively full. They decide to empty her bowels aswell. So my poor little lady now literally has nothing in her other than the fluids that the nurse has just syringed into her line – and the bag they’re about to hook her up too. Her x-rays show her bowels massive and filled with air; luckily with all the gas, stomach and bowel emptying her tummy goes down back to semi normal size.

From there they decide to keep her on the fluids, and admit her to the paediatric surgical ward for close monitoring. Where we spend the next 5 days. All of her bloods were normal, her urine and poo samples were normal. So they take a sample of her colon lining to send away and send her for ultrasounds as well. We’re still awaiting the biopsy results, but the ultrasound showed a small lump on one of her kidneys. The doctors discharged us, but we have to go back if the biopsy shows anything, and then regardless we have to go back in 2 weeks for a follow up consult and then again in 2/3 months to recheck that lump when she’s bigger and slightly more developed.

They also noticed while she was there that she seems very refluxxy. Arching in pain after feeding, spilling entire feeds, crying a lot etc. So they’ve put her on ranitidine to see how that works – and so far; so good. The doctors weighed her on Wednesday the 7th before discharge, and she was 3.5kg. So another 100grams up from her previous weigh in on the 30th January. I don’t know if 100g is a lot or not, but I’m pleased it’s not a loss after our shitty week. My midwife is coming this afternoon; so she will weigh her again I think. And as a follow on from our chiropractor appointment, I’ve asked her to re check her hips too.

All in all, this week has been hectic – and for the first time since she’s been born; I experienced total exhaustion to the point of barely being able to walk without closing my eyes – and breaking point; of her screaming and me just having to give her to the nurse saying I can’t deal with her anymore. I’ve really struggled with our attachment this week; as she’s just so fussy and upset I’ve spent all my time trying to comfort her screaming; and getting frustrated myself – or trying to feed her with her unlatching and re-latching and constantly getting milk everywhere – and then when she’s finally asleep instead of me snuggling her like I should; I just put her in bed because my arms are dead and I need to rest. All day yesterday I wanted to go get some goats milk formula and just call breastfeeding a fail. I just want to give her a bottle, put her to bed and cry myself. Both out of guilt, and tiredness. But at the same time I know my milk is so good for her, and I actually have a decent supply (although it took a hammering in the hospital, but I know I can build it back up). I want to persevere, but damn it’s hard.

Eugh. Parenting is hard in general really. Lucky my little princess is the most amazing thing in life, and when I look at her peacefully sleeping in her bed, everything hard just goes away. It’s true when they say that love is the most powerful emotion ever – and I’m thankful that, that is carrying me through this rough week. Hopefully the next week will be better. For us both.

NEWBORN PHOTOGRAPHY {7days}.

We had our newborn photoshoot when Miss Emelia-Michelle was 7 days old. We’d been waiting for these so desperately since well before we booked them! It was seriously hard choosing who go with. In the end we booked with Rebecca Wright Photography.

There were way way too many amazing photos to upload them all – or even choose what my favourites are! But here are some of my favs anyway. We’ve also booked in for a watch me grow bunch of sessions (sitting, tummy time, first birthday etc) – I am so excited to see her reach all these milestones; that I want to document them all.

What’s in a name?

People often ask me what my little one’s name means, and even when I was pregnant and they would ask what her name would be; they’d ask if I’d pick something that meant something. And the truth is, it’s 50:50. Her name does definitely carry a lot of meaning, and the meanings from each name are all unique to our little miracle. So there was definitely a lot of work that went into choosing it. That’s why I kept her name secret until she was born. I needed to be sure it was going to be perfect for her. Perfect for her little story of life.  So here’s where her name has come from, and what it means to us ❤

Emelia – An alternative to Amelia. Amelia is a latin name, which doesn’t mean a whole lot to me. But it does mean industrious and striving. I loved the name Amelia well before my little lady was even created – but of course looking through names and their meanings when you’re actually pregnant is hard. I took a long time to settle on it. But decided in the end all I want for my baby girl is a good life. And to have a good life, and to succeed in life you have to persevere. You have to set goals and strive to be the very best you can. I hope and pray that my little lady does.

Michelle – This is an alternation to my Grandfather Michael. Who I’m very very close with. Growing up my Grandad and I were very close. He supported me through thick and thin and was always there for me. We had a bit of a rough patch the year before last where we nearly lost him – and he’s still very unwell. I prayed and prayed that when he was sick he would stick around to be there and meet my children. And I like to think that somewhere some angels heard me – and they’re what brought him back. I decided to hyphenate the Michelle, onto Emelia as her complete first name so that the Michelle doesn’t ever get forgotten. To keep it separate from her actual middle name. Michael means who is like god, and so does Michelle.

Alexis – Her middle name. Alexis only came to me actually 2 days before she was born. She still had no middle name – other than potentially Michelle. But I wanted her to have her own unique name as well in there. I just had no idea what. It actually came to me in a dream, Wednesday night. She was born Friday night, So I can’t help but think it was meant to be. It means noble, and light. And she is definitely the light of my life and many others around her as well. I always feel some connection comes from the little bean and my first pregnancy – I never quite felt like that little bean was meant to leave us, so the fact that Alexis means light after all that I think is quite special.