9 Weeks. 

9 weeks today!

Midwife appointment this morning went well, mostly just paperwork and booking info for the Nuchal scan and blood tests etc.

Baby is the size of a grape, about an inch long. And my uterus is the size of a grapefruit (apparently!).

It is out of the “embryo” stage this week – and now into the foetal stage. It doesn’t have a tail anymore, and is slowly looking more and more like a little person rather than a creepy alien. The placenta should start doing its job soon, but I will have to continue my hormone drugs for another month or two, just in case. According to my baby apps, it also starts wriggling from now on – of course it’s way too small to feel; but not far away for that to begin!

I had put on some weight last week, and was up to 52.5kg – but then this week, I’ve lost it again. (Thanks morning/night/all day sickness). Lemonade and Mizone sports water are my best friend when I’m vomitting heaps, but as for the constant nausea feeling – I havent been able to shake that; it’s seriously the worst. I know I was warned about it, but jeezus – if anyone has any solutions I’m all ears! If anything, this sickness has helped come to terms with this pregnancy! It’s like a constant reminder that there is something growing inside me. My fear this week, has been the constant talks of when people get to their 12 week Nuchal scan, and find out the baby stopped growing at 8/9 weeks. I know the chance is slim, but also fear is very real about that sort of stuff. I know I have to shake it, but I guess it’s easier said than done! Oh, I also discovered the heartbeat I found on the Doppler was most likely my own heartbeat, but I haven’t tried again since – I’m waiting for the midwife to do it at about 12 weeks. Then when I know where to look for it I can start finding it myself!

8 Weeks.

It’s crazy. You know, I never really thought I’d end up here?? At 8 weeks. Two thirds of the way through the first trimester. I know, 8 weeks isn’t far along – still super early. Heck some people still don’t even know they’re pregnant yet! But here I am. Week 8. Every week is a new milestone for me, and I feel excited to reach each and every new one. I am slowly coming round to the fact that I am pregnant – but it’s still hard to accept. Maybe, because there’s not actually that much that has changed yet?? Hard to know. 

Well he/she is now the size of a jelly bean – or a kidney bean, but jelly bean sounds much nicer! It’s about 1.6cm, and finally is starting to look more like a baby than a foreign alien! Although, even though the bean is still tiny – apparently at 8 weeks pregnant the uterus is the size of an orange. So no wonder i feel bloated – if I have a whole orange inside me 😂

I haven’t had too much trouble with symptoms this week – definitely still heartburn with some foods, and definitely thrown up a few times. But nothing too bad overly, everything is manageable. The worst is still night time! Eating dinner and getting to sleep is the hardest part. But still, I’d rather night time than morning. At least it’s not affecting work yet!! There’s not a lot to report on this week to be honest, I guess as the weeks go by now – there’s going to be less and less. But I still like the idea of documenting things – so I have something to look back on! 

7 Weeks 4 Days. 

Scan day! 

Finally discharged from my fertility clinic. Thankgod, we’ve not had a final good few weeks with them  – they’ve just been so slack, even today they weren’t pleasant. I am so happy to be done with them and into the care of our midwife. So happy. Our scan itself went good though, baby is healthy and measuring as perfect as it should. Bang on 7w4d which is good! It’s little heart beating away, and the doctor said its attached now and had a cord that goes to the wall of the uterus so soon a placenta will start developing. And also pointed out arm and leg buds – although I couldn’t pick those out. Generally I could barely pick out the baby tbh! She didn’t look at it for too long, and didn’t zoom up close or anything. So turns out the scan last week was a blessing in disguise since we got photos then! Clear photos! 

Next appointment will be in about 3 weeks now. So all I have to focus on for the meantime is taking drugs, and getting through those three weeks! That will be with the midwife too, not the clinic. The clinic said they’ll keep me on the hormone drugs and extra month than planned. So normally I’d have stopped at 10 weeks, but I’m actually stopping at 14 weeks. As long as they keep baby healthy, I’m not worried though. 

So that’s that for now. Baby is healthy, midwife is booked and I’m glad to have left the clinic. 

7 Weeks.

Holy Heartburn.

This pregnancy has turned into this constant strange hungover 24/7 phase. Is the best way to describe it, nauseated all day and night – and exhausted from wake up to bed time. I haven’t been too spewy, thankgod – touch wood. But I have definitely experienced heartburn throughout this. And it does make eating very hard, because you’re hungry – but feel like NOTHING. And when you do feel like something, as soon as it’s cooked – you no longer feel like it. Cannot win 😦

Baby is the size of a: Blueberry. Should be over 1cm now. Apparently, there are little eyes and a nose beginning to form now. Which is SO weird. Bean also has some pretty vital organs growing! A liver, pancreas, appendix, lungs and a brain.

It actually blows my mind, how it is just a bean. No bigger than a berry apparently, it still resembles some kind of creepy alien spawn with little flippers and a tail – yet actually SO much is forming on the inside. I can’t wait until it actually has arms and legs and looks like a baby 😅

My friend has a foetal Doppler thing, and we managed to hear the heartbeat yesterday. Not bad for 6w6d. Looking forward to my next scan – in 4 days 🙂

How are my emotions and hormones holding up? It still feels weird, like a trick. I still feel like it’s going to get taken away from me. This blog, has become the only place that I can actually accept this bean growing inside me. And that’s purely just because I want to document each week. We will see, I am excited and happy – but also still can’t shake the scared and nervous feelings. Making progress though. Small steps.

End of the day.

Phew. After my bleeding and cramping, with my anxiety sky high I decided to call to clinic and see if they could see if they could fit me in. Anyway, 4 hours passed and no contact so I decided to call my midwife and just express my concerns and see if there’s anything we can do. An early scan, a blood test – something! 

And my midwife straight away asked us to go and have a scan, figure out where the bleedings come from and go from there. Thank god. My midwife AND the ultrasound technician also said my dates based on transfer, period CD1, etc would work out that I was 6weeks1day today, not 6 weeks. So I think you guys were right, I think my clinic mucked up the dates by a day. I think from now on, I’m just gunna say yesterday I was 6w. Today I’m 6w1d. Soon my care will hand over from clinic to Midwife, so I think I’ll go with her due dates. 

So anyway – off I went with my co-worker to an ultrasound. Just like that! It was very spur of the moment and I needed a friend. I didn’t know what I was gunna see after all. 

All was good! They could see nowhere that signalled any bleeding, nothing looked abnormal – ovaries and uterus seemed clear do blood. They got a good picture of bean and the yolk sac, and got a heart beat reading of 108bpm. So for now, my baby is ok. My anxiety is never going to go away. But for now, it’s eased. Thank god for picking a good midwife who cares and didn’t make me wait!

So these are the photos I got of my little bean today. The top photo is a zoomed up and slightly different angled photo of bean – measuring 6w2d and the bottom is a photo of the yolk sac. Basically the little ball of nutrients feeding my bean. Apparently eventually this turns into the placenta. The little bubble on the side of the circle is the embryo. 

They’re going to send out a CD with more photos which will be cool 🙂 

6 Weeks. 

So I had written out this big post and saved it in my drafts about how stoked I was to reach 6 weeks, but now – I’m not feeling super stoked. And I feel like I’m lying by making a big happy all is ok post anout 6 weeks. Instead, I’m feeling kind of mad at myself for getting attached to this pregnancy again. Just incase. But then also mad at myself for now not being happy. Can’t win 😂 The cramping continued, and then last night I had some pink bleeding – and then a red bit came out. Then some more pink. So I rung the clinic to ask if they can do another blood test or if they can bring the scan forward at all. 

I don’t want my baby in me for another week of its no longer alive! But I also want to put my darn nerves at rest if it’s perfectly fine! 

So anyway. This is 6 weeks. I now call it the fear stage! Baby should be the size of a sweet pea or lentil now – and if all is ok; it’s heart beat will definitely be beating away nice and strong! It kind of looks a bit like a space alien at this point. No longer a bubble of cells, but still not quite resembling an actual baby.

Just relax!?

Seriously though… How? Someone enlighten me. All day off and on, an last night I started feeling crampy. My past experience tells me this is not good. Past experience tells me to expect bleeding any moment. Past experience tells me that this is all over. I know that it could not be – and that it could be normal. But my brain cannot process the “could” be’s – it can only see the “has happened” 

This is all part of infertility, I know that it robs you of the high expectation that because things started out good, it’s a given you’ll get a baby in 8 months. It robs you of this, because you know that things can start out perfect and still turn to shit. Because it has in the past. So you wait for it, you know it can happen – so you sit there, and you assume it will. 

It sucks. And I know I have been all over the place. I’m sorry my blog posts are neither here nor there. You’re all probably sick of my whinging. I feel like I should be happy, but I also feel like I can’t be. I’m skipping from happy to scared fifty times a day. Fifty? More like a hundred. Possibly more. I guess even after pregnancy occurs that infertility doesn’t go away. It still eats you alive from the inside. 

I just can’t ease my nerves. I can’t turn my thoughts off. I can’t close off my past. I know it sucks, I wish I could change it. But I can’t. If only I could sleep for the next week, and just wake up on scan day. 

Does anyone know, hypothetically – can progesterone pessaries hide and cover a miscarriage and stop it from passing through? Or do you still bleed whilst on them??