Breaking point??

I always wondered what breaking point felt like. It’s a strange one; because when you think about whether you’re at breaking point generally it means you’re feeling pretty low. But then you get back up; move on. Something else happens – and you think you’re there again. But then you get back up; and move on again. And life cycles through these downs and ups and downs and ups; constantly wondering where you’re at, and how do you get out of those cycles?

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Birth Story.

So I started to do a post at 37 weeks. Something about how sick of the bleeding, and cramps that have been so off and on I was. How I just want the baby out. But how weird it is thinking this COULD be my last pregnant bump; my last baby to feel kick from within. I know I’ll miss it. Yet I only got as far as titling it “37 weeks” because then soon enough the blood got darker and more; and we were just thinking what could be the cause of this – so ended up in women’s assessment at our local hospital to be looked at on Friday night the 5th November.

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35 WEEKS 5 DAYS ðŸ’•ðŸ’•

Time is ticking my little girl! Before I know it – you’ll be here; and in my arms. It’s such a weird feeling; definitely stranger than when I was about to birth your big sister. When I was at this stage with her; I didn’t have a birth plan, I didn’t have worries, I didn’t have stresses. She was growing, wriggling, and I was just hanging out day by day to meet her; just as I am you. With Emelia-Michelle’s pregnancy; I spent so long being scared I was going to loose her that I didn’t have a lot of enjoyment in her pregnancy. It was filled with a lot of fear, and nervousness. But then at the same time – I felt very much in control; and at peace with letting my body just do what it would and what it needed to do. I didn’t have a birth plan, I had hopes. I wanted no epidural etc, I didn’t want caeserian, I just wanted to let my body birth in the calm environment of the birth centre. But I did know that sometimes things go out the window, I just didn’t fully know what to expect, and I didn’t know what child birth was really truly like. I was told every pregnancy is different, and that’s so true. I’m seeing that now. With you – I do have a lot of worry, I have a lot more planned, I have a bucket of ‘different’ nerves. But for some strange reason – I feel so much more at peace and connected. The worries are different; the plans are for different reasons and the nerves are different. Your bed is made, your bags are packed, your clothes are washed, the carseat is ready. Your birth needs to be planned a little more; there are things that need to be done, and things that need to be checked and looked at. It’s very much a different process that’s for sure.

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5 WEEKS 6 DAYS💕💕

5 weeks, 6 days.

After a small bleed – I went in for an extra sneaky wee ultrasound to see where things are at. With Easter looming, better to be safe than sorry. We know these early pregnancy and infertility nerves are real! Too early to see anything overly baby related – but the gest and yolk sac measured perfect at only 1 day behind the dates.

They did notice a blood pool just below the gest sac, a “subchorionic hematoma” – in comparison to the sac, it seems quite big. But at this stage nothing I can do, other than look after myself really.

FET #5 DIARIES CD 33.

10dp5dt.

10 days now, since little lucky bean was put home! What a roller coaster it’s been. The ups and downs of the infertility journey continue!

Beta bought, semi good news. A little inconclusive though. Beta HCG was a low 34. At first I didnt hear back from the fertility clinic, which by 4pm was a little nerve wrecking. So I got hold of the midwife I had with Emelia-Michelle, and she managed to source the results for me. Which revealed the 34. She did say its low, but not the lowest. We do already suspect late implantation with this bean anyway. We suspect a 5 or 6 day past transfer implantation which would possibly mean results on day 9, weren’t as high as my previous pregnancy. That’s what I’m praying for anyway.

The HPT I took came up even darker than the day 9 one, which was reassuring. And I’ll have another blood day on day 11 past transfer. Where little lucky has had an extra 48 hours. Then I’ll do one more on monday, which covers a second block of 48 hours. My midwife said she will send me for as many blood tests as needed to ease my nerves. So 🤞🤞

FET DIARIES #5 CD32.

9dp5dt.

Blood test day today! So now the last stretch of the “two week wait” comes to an end. And this is the most anxious day of the week!! My lines are darkening nicely, definitely darker at night then in the morning. Which gives me hope! Definitely no squinting necessary now to find them. They are there! No denying that.

I cant believe it. I do still feel very cautious, a lot of people know about this cycle and how its tracking – so I’ve got a lot of people in my support bubble. We will see. Watch this space 🤞

FET #5 DIARIES CD30.

7dp5dt.

So I woke at 2am, and took a test – because; just because really! And bugger my day’s there was another faint faint line… Then at 6am, I took another – just to make sure it wasn’t a dud. These are the left two photos. Then this afterboon – my brain was STILL racing; and so I took ANOTHER test. And it was darker already than the two from the morning – and it was only a few hours later.

So this is where things are at.

So far line of events: bleed at 2dpt, positive at 3dpt, negative tests, bleed on 5dpt, positive on 7dpt. Go figure! Who knows whats going on!

FET #5 DIARIES CD29.

6dp5dt.

6 days past now. One would think there would be a positive test by now; but there’s still not. This is a rough journey. 99% sure I’m out for the count. I’m guessing a chemical given my previous faint positive – but the stark white tests now. Yesterday I did experience some pink bleeding too; it was pretty constant. Appeared as dots on my liner, but when I wiped it was quite a lot. It was gone by midday – which was strange! Previously when AF has come, I’m pretty sure she’s stuck around! Even with the pessaries. I’ve also had a lot of left side cramping – and not all over my uterus area – which is also weird! It’s very weird not knowing what to expect. Thursday cant come sooner – to just confirm things; so I can stop the drugs that cause all these weird symptoms!

FET #5 DIARIES CD27.

4dp5dt.

Mind games suck. That is all about where this is at currently!! The wait is hard, and it’s so hard not to be disheartened. I have had lots of random sharp left side stabs. I can’t remember if I have experienced those before; it all feels so new again! 2 nights ago, I woke to blood on the liner I had in – which COULD be any number of things. It was definitely more than the few dots I had with Emelia’s – but not a lot, and definitely not red. I did get a possible slight positive test yesterday at 3 days past transfer, but then today it was a total stark negative. So I’m very confused!! When I tested positive with Emelia; I got a positive at 5 days past transfer. So technically that would be tomorrow, but I don’t imagine that I will get a positive test tomorrow!! If I haven’t had one today. Especially if that bleed was implantation, it was 3 nights ago now – so it should be at a detectable level.

Eugh; this wait is so hard!!