Trying to feed you.

Evie-Paul, feeding you has been a significant challenge. One I am struggling with. You have severe and horrible reflux, which causes a lot of pain. Sometimes I wonder if you also have a dairy allergy too which contributes to the way you feel. Your bowels are fairly inconsistent, and you get a lot of colic tummy cramp pains. Sometimes you just scream for absolute hours and I just cant figure out what you need.

Continue reading

Your cleft.

My sweet little Evie; you are beautiful beyond measure. Everyone told me your cleft was “cosmetic” and it didn’t matter because they could fix it easily and you’d live a normal life; and that you’d be just like any other normal baby. I ignored the diagnosis of your cleft the majority of my pregnancy. I prepared and planned for life to only be just a little bit different. That you’d be that normal baby I expected; just with a “cosmetic difference.” Everyone kept asking me if I was prepared, what I had done to prepare – but the reality was; nothing really. I had blocked it out. You’d be born; how you’d be born. I didn’t really plan anything; or actually even think anything different of your diagnosis during my pregnancy.

Continue reading

Birth Story.

So I started to do a post at 37 weeks. Something about how sick of the bleeding, and cramps that have been so off and on I was. How I just want the baby out. But how weird it is thinking this COULD be my last pregnant bump; my last baby to feel kick from within. I know I’ll miss it. Yet I only got as far as titling it “37 weeks” because then soon enough the blood got darker and more; and we were just thinking what could be the cause of this – so ended up in women’s assessment at our local hospital to be looked at on Friday night the 5th November.

Continue reading

35 WEEKS 5 DAYS ðŸ’•ðŸ’•

Time is ticking my little girl! Before I know it – you’ll be here; and in my arms. It’s such a weird feeling; definitely stranger than when I was about to birth your big sister. When I was at this stage with her; I didn’t have a birth plan, I didn’t have worries, I didn’t have stresses. She was growing, wriggling, and I was just hanging out day by day to meet her; just as I am you. With Emelia-Michelle’s pregnancy; I spent so long being scared I was going to loose her that I didn’t have a lot of enjoyment in her pregnancy. It was filled with a lot of fear, and nervousness. But then at the same time – I felt very much in control; and at peace with letting my body just do what it would and what it needed to do. I didn’t have a birth plan, I had hopes. I wanted no epidural etc, I didn’t want caeserian, I just wanted to let my body birth in the calm environment of the birth centre. But I did know that sometimes things go out the window, I just didn’t fully know what to expect, and I didn’t know what child birth was really truly like. I was told every pregnancy is different, and that’s so true. I’m seeing that now. With you – I do have a lot of worry, I have a lot more planned, I have a bucket of ‘different’ nerves. But for some strange reason – I feel so much more at peace and connected. The worries are different; the plans are for different reasons and the nerves are different. Your bed is made, your bags are packed, your clothes are washed, the carseat is ready. Your birth needs to be planned a little more; there are things that need to be done, and things that need to be checked and looked at. It’s very much a different process that’s for sure.

Continue reading

26 WEEKS 1 DAY💕💕

Baby girl is growing well; wriggling jiggly bouncing around – making herself quite at home and cozy inside me!

I’ve had a few appointments since my last blog; A phone consult with the cleft coordinator, an in clinic consult with a lactation consultant and my regular maternity midwife appointment. The cleft coordinator answered a few of my unanswered questions about her birth, post partum stages and what to expect. The biggest thing; was that the birth doesn’t need to be as scary as what I thought it would be. My baby girl might NOT be rushed down to NICU. We might still get time together, she might not need to be tube fed, she might not have difficulty breathing. All of the initial diagnosis triggers causing anxiety in my brain to go haywire. But to hear her say it might not be that scary was somewhat reassuring.

Then I saw the lactation consultant; who was much the same – she said with a palate involvement; breastfeeding is pretty much impossible to manage exclusively. But certainly don’t rule it out as a comfort. Provided she has a safe swallow and suck; then I can definitely try… She showed me some special ways to hold her to support her cleft; and lessen the milk going up her nose. So that was another positive!

Finally my midwife. I had HOPED to be able to pursuade her to let me try birth at our local birth centre like I hoped too with Emelia-Michelle. But no such luck unfortunately. She said the risk of breathing difficulty is just too high; and we’d better just play it safe. It didn’t help that Fetal Med have also recommended this. Gah. I’ve been so worried about what her first few days will look like; I really hoped I could escape the hospital setting and have the quiet calm private post birth rooms at the birth centre. Somewhere I could bond, and feed, and pump, and hand express, AND shower and pee without having to leave my baby unattended down a corridor. But I guess it is what it is! The good news is after all my begging and pleading; she said if baby is healthy and breathing ok – she will help us leave as fast as we can!

My anxiety is still sky high; I’m still worried as ever – but feeling her wee kicks and rolls and wriggles helps me feel better. Surprisingly still despite everything going on; I do feel more bonded with this pregnancy than I ever did with Emelia-Michelle’s. 26 weeks, she’s now the size of a rabbit according to my app!

The next and current mission is figuring out a name for this sweet wee girl!!

19 WEEKS💕💕

Life has been so busy. Time has flown from the starts of pregnancy; up until now. 19 weeks, 2 days. Only about 20 weeks and 5 days left to go until we meet this little baby. Overall pregnancy so far hasn’t been too bad; Other than the intense nausea and vomitting – I haven’t really had too many eventful issues. Few dizzy spells here and there, some ligament pains, the hematoma issues. But touch wood we’re on the home straight!

I had my scan at bang on 19 weeks. Discovered little bambino is another wee girl! Emelia-Michelle is so excited for a sister. And wants to call her either “Annie” or “Popoyo” (3 year olds.. don’t ask!) Scan was so good to see her after so long. She’s measuring a day behind; but all within normal values which is great! My wee Emmy always measured ahead, so will be interesting what this wee girls size does. Suddenly feels real now – being able to call her a she, not just an it!

Placenta is another frontal placenta. I’ve had no kickies so I assumed it was frontal – Like I had last time. And my assumption was right. I was so hoping to have those little kickies – but I’m sure they’ll come. Just not on the front of my tummy!

I’ve bought a few wee things that need topping up – but really I just can’t focus on what I need to get! I keep getting sucked in by the cute tiny clothes; that I really don’t need. I do need to find all the bolts from Emelia’s bassinet; and decide if I want to use that – or buy a moses basket. Or both. Decisions decisions! I’d love to buy a co-sleeper this time round!

Having that brave face.

It’s crazy, you never really think infertility will teach you anything. But then also, you know that everything in life has a lesson of some sort. Right? Sometime that lesson is a real hard one to figure out…. But what I’m figuring out lately, that the brave face infertility “taught” me to put on daily – is bloody hard. Fake it or make it. Infertility taught me to be strong, to keep moving on, and not to get knocked down. You go through infertility, and IVF and you loose babies – and you get pretty good at faking it, as opposed to making it. Infertility teaches you; to wear a brave face through tough times.

Continue reading