Trying to feed you.

Evie-Paul, feeding you has been a significant challenge. One I am struggling with. You have severe and horrible reflux, which causes a lot of pain. Sometimes I wonder if you also have a dairy allergy too which contributes to the way you feel. Your bowels are fairly inconsistent, and you get a lot of colic tummy cramp pains. Sometimes you just scream for absolute hours and I just cant figure out what you need.

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Your cleft.

My sweet little Evie; you are beautiful beyond measure. Everyone told me your cleft was “cosmetic” and it didn’t matter because they could fix it easily and you’d live a normal life; and that you’d be just like any other normal baby. I ignored the diagnosis of your cleft the majority of my pregnancy. I prepared and planned for life to only be just a little bit different. That you’d be that normal baby I expected; just with a “cosmetic difference.” Everyone kept asking me if I was prepared, what I had done to prepare – but the reality was; nothing really. I had blocked it out. You’d be born; how you’d be born. I didn’t really plan anything; or actually even think anything different of your diagnosis during my pregnancy.

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35 WEEKS 5 DAYS 💕💕

Time is ticking my little girl! Before I know it – you’ll be here; and in my arms. It’s such a weird feeling; definitely stranger than when I was about to birth your big sister. When I was at this stage with her; I didn’t have a birth plan, I didn’t have worries, I didn’t have stresses. She was growing, wriggling, and I was just hanging out day by day to meet her; just as I am you. With Emelia-Michelle’s pregnancy; I spent so long being scared I was going to loose her that I didn’t have a lot of enjoyment in her pregnancy. It was filled with a lot of fear, and nervousness. But then at the same time – I felt very much in control; and at peace with letting my body just do what it would and what it needed to do. I didn’t have a birth plan, I had hopes. I wanted no epidural etc, I didn’t want caeserian, I just wanted to let my body birth in the calm environment of the birth centre. But I did know that sometimes things go out the window, I just didn’t fully know what to expect, and I didn’t know what child birth was really truly like. I was told every pregnancy is different, and that’s so true. I’m seeing that now. With you – I do have a lot of worry, I have a lot more planned, I have a bucket of ‘different’ nerves. But for some strange reason – I feel so much more at peace and connected. The worries are different; the plans are for different reasons and the nerves are different. Your bed is made, your bags are packed, your clothes are washed, the carseat is ready. Your birth needs to be planned a little more; there are things that need to be done, and things that need to be checked and looked at. It’s very much a different process that’s for sure.

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