Trying to feed you.

Evie-Paul, feeding you has been a significant challenge. One I am struggling with. You have severe and horrible reflux, which causes a lot of pain. Sometimes I wonder if you also have a dairy allergy too which contributes to the way you feel. Your bowels are fairly inconsistent, and you get a lot of colic tummy cramp pains. Sometimes you just scream for absolute hours and I just cant figure out what you need.

Today you screamed all day, and by the end of it – I was over it. You lay asleep on my bed in front of me, I’m in tears wondering where I went wrong. Wondering what I had done. Why I had chosen to have another baby on my own, when really I was still recovering from PND following your sister. Its not your fault. I’m sorry sometimes I get stressed out, I’m sorry I have to put you down to scream sometimes. I’m sorry we haven’t had a good connection the last few days. I’ve been tired, hot, hormonal, and just actually exhausted. You and your sister have definitely had grumpy Mum this week. Feeding you has just been so much harder than I could have imagined. I see all the other cleft babies thriving on bottles and have weaned off their tubes; and we just feel stuck.

I wish you would take a bottle. You just wont right now. You are getting reliant on your NG tube and know you don’t have to work for your milk. All you really want is to breastfeed or do nothing. You will comfort suckle at the breast, But with your cleft, its virtually impossible. I wish you could, I see that it’s all you really want. You ‘can’ drink from a bottle though. You can drink 40-50ml with ease. You have drunk up to 100 with ease also at times. But this week, you wont even let the bottle go near your mouth. Some say to just do no tube feeds and persist with the bottle. Some say do only tube feeds, and not push a bottle. Some say maybe there is a way you could breastfeed. Some say pull out the tube and persist. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want you on a tube when i know you can do it. But I don’t want you to starve and be hungry either. Evie, I’ve never felt like I just don’t know what to do like this before. The only thing you seem to love, is a dummy. And you can’t have that after your surgery. I don’t know how else to soothe you at the moment, and I don’t know how I’ll soothe you after your surgery, sometimes without food I don’t even know how to soothe you now.

I wish you could tell me if you’re sore, or just being stubborn. Or if you’re hungry, or just need a cuddle, or just need a sleep. I wish we could figure this out easier, with less screams. With less tears. With less frustrations. I’m sorry Evie-Paul, Hopefully soon this gets easier – hopefully we can figure this out together. Hopefully we find a way you can fill your little tummy that works and makes you happy, and mama happy, and helps you grow.

One thought on “Trying to feed you.

  1. mikuwren says:

    Sending you love, healing and empathy. You are doing better than you think. Lots of love to you and your beautiful baby. I’m praying things ease up for you both. x

    Like

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