3 weeks post partum.

Evie-Paul is 3 weeks old now. That means, I’m 3 weeks post partum. Sleep deprivation is kicking in, My boobs are constantly in pain, body exhaustion is kicking in, birth recovery hasn’t been easy and life in general is just sort of snowballing. Post partum emotions are here and in full steam.

I knew it would be hard – the minute I was given Evie’s diagnosis of her cleft; we knew newborn life for her wouldn’t be as easy as we had hoped. Especially after Emelia-Michelle. But I truly didn’t expect it to be this rough. She doesn’t sleep in her bed/on her own very often, she’s a mama sleeper. Which means my sleeps are few and far between. She struggles to feed, which means it takes me anywhere up to over an hour to feed her, and reflux/constipation are prooving to be contributors too – just like her big sister. Lots of crying and tears this week especially; from the both of us. A mix of “purple crying” (Is this the new colic??) and pain crying.

Then couple it all with my own post partum motions; Luckily my physical recovery of swelling and tears has been easy; just a small 1st degree/graze which has definitely healed by now. Enough to be uncomfortable and sore – but nothing major. But the emotional recovery is definitely taking its toll. I have so many feelings about my labour and birth, my breastpumping journey, Evie’s cleft journey, motherhood of 2 kids, the loss of Dad who will never meet Evie, and everything else that creeps in, inbetween, Physical recovery healing wise with Emelia was definitely harder; However I lost more blood with Evie than I did with Emelia-Michelle; And ended up with really low iron levels. In hospital; It took me a good 2-3 days before I was up on my feet steadily, it was really only the day I transferred to the birth centre that I felt like I could walk properly. The dizziness made doing anything a real struggle. It wasn’t until I nearly blacked out in the shower that they did something and acknowledged that my levels were too low; and my body wasn’t coping. So they gave me an iron infusion which helped; but bleeding continued way longer; and even still is 3 weeks on pretty fresh red blood. Hopefully it eases soon, or all that nice iron they put in me – is going to be gone again. Considering I was induced due to bleeding; it’s pretty safe to say I’m well and truly sick of blood coming out of me. With Emelia; it was well and truly over by now.

I just pray at this stage; with our crazy whirlwind life – that the post partum anxiety and depression that hit with Emelia-Michelle doesn’t return. It was so hard picking up with her; and was actually a close friend of mine who hit the jackpot with diagnosis when Emelia was a good several months old. I had always just thought I was fine. And really, I was. Until I just wasn’t anymore. My mind circles the drain, because I really don’t want to end up back in that space again. I feel so blessed to have both my girls, I look at them – and am just amazed that science and hope gave me these two girls. Both girls were threatened several times to not be here. But they are. I keep telling myself; this is just a rough patch. We will get through it. This is just post-partum life.

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